Self Sabatoge

Roadblocks are used to stop travelers from accessing a certain stretch of thoroughfare that may be treacherous. The reason for the obstruction may be to prevent danger to the drivers themselves, as would be the case if a road is hazardous, or others, in the case of the road being closed off for an event of some sort. Roadblocks serve the purpose of safety for the most part. And it’s generally agreed that safety is a good thing, right?

But what happens when those roadblocks are of your own design? Are they there to keep you safe or keep you comfortable in settling?

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am in life and the road I’ve taken to get here and I’ve been noticing some very distinct mile markers along the way. I never graduated from either high school or college. I’ve never held down a job for more than two years at a time. I’ve never had a healthy relationship truly last more than a handful of seasons. Any and every thing must people say makes a life worry living, I seem to have missed, and I’ve done so in such a cycle to where it all seems like my existence is a case study in deja vú. I’ve wondered for so many years why I seemed to be tethered to this fate. Then I looked at the patterns and an “Ah ha” ray of sunshine perked through my clouds of repetitious despair.

I’ve been putting roadblocks in my way for the past four decades out of fear. Not fear of failing or fear of success but fear of the unknown. I’ve purposely stopped myself from achieving so much because of fear of moving out of my comfort zone and really having to deal with myself. Lately I’ve come to realize I am the unknown and have been self sabotaging myself from ever really knowing me because that would mean I’d have to let go of my self serving ego and confront the real source of dissatisfaction in my life. Me.

What happens if those roadblocks come down? How safe am I really being by keeping them established? I guess I’ll know in the days to come.

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