The end of the calendar year is always rough for me for various reasons, but 2013 seems to be going out with quite the emotional bang and more than my share of maudlin. The entire year was a doozy for me, actually. Not just due to the lifestyle change or the “family issues”, but coming to terms with turning forty and the manifestations of my depression. But the culmination of 2013 has brought a lot of dark days, seasonally, emotionally, and spiritually. Some of the darkest days I’ve ever known. Luckily enough for me, my moods mimic the Equinoxes and Solstices, so as the natural light extends its stay so does my emotional lightness.
This year’s Winter Solstice snuck up on me with the sly cunning of a hunter. I’d just been hit with a couple of soul stirring blows and had began to feel as if tge walls of my life were fast closing in. I felt as if a switch was flipping and its handle was threatening to be torn off, plummeting me into self imposed isolation from everything. I hadn’t heard from either of my parents in almost a month. My second Ex was threatening a custody suit two years after declaring himself free of financial paternity. Plans to secure a home front kept slipping through the cracks of reality like sand through a sieve and I began to feel the strains against my parental boundaries by emotional growing pains of my preteen. I was overwhelmed, helpless, and alone. I truly felt like giving up in more ways than one. But then I remembered… It’s always darkest before the dawn, and while this particular dark period seemed to be the longest and most oppressive of its kind, each successive day would bring more and more light if I just held on. That’s the key. Just hold on.
It took me awhile to recognize the parallels that exist between the world within and the world without, and honestly, I still struggle to make the conscious correlation when darkness inspires a sense of doom I can’t quite define. Even with all the lessons I’ve learned about the balance of things, application can prove difficult when your mental vision is blurred by haunts and hurts and disappointments. Fortunately, the spirit never strays too far from its source, so no matter how dark things may seem light will always return. I am grateful for the symbolism if the Solstice to help jog my memory.